Making Friends with Loneliness
Hello, everyone.
This post is being written out of spite for the papers I have due in the morning that have not even been started yet. Please, enjoy my procrastination as I pour out my "heavy thoughts" to you.
Entonces, let us begin. I'd like to start by giving you a small glimpse into my odd mind. I believe that in Heaven, there is a book titled with my name and in that book, there is everything I've ever experienced written down and divided into chapters. I'd imagine that each chapter has a clever name with a funny pun in it--given my sense of humor--or the chapters are named with some random book reference that nobody would understand but me and the person who created my heart. I can think of the many chapters of my life but I think of the most recent one that came to a close. It should be titled "the Great Perhaps." This is the chapter of my summer. The chapter that I spent exploring the North American Continent, exploring who I was, and exploring my creator.
While I was in the midst of the "Great Perhaps" part of my story, I was warned about what this next chapter would be. I had someone sit me down in Costa Rica and tell me that I was about to enter a period of waiting. I remember talking to a friend of mine on the trip and telling her that a period of "waiting" was just about the last place I was wanting to enter. I brushed the comment off--given that I was living my favorite chapter--and hoped that it wasn't true. Waiting and patience is the hardest place to be in especially if you just closed an exciting chapter like that of my summer.
However, this person was correct. I am currently deep into the next chapter of my life and it has been a period of hardcore patience. But it feels like it reaches deeper than that. This period has been a period of loneliness. I've tried confiding in friends about this and they brush it off and tell me I either need more friends or more things to do, neither of which seem to settle right. See, this loneliness is not like something I've really faced before. This loneliness is weird because I've sort of made friends with it. Stick with me here. In the past, loneliness hasn't ever really been invited...it sort of just creeps up and scares you. But this loneliness, I seem to have invited into my life. I've offered it a space in my house and told it that it could never overstay it's welcome. I've made it a permanent roommate rather than a fly on the wall. I've made this loneliness a part of me.
See, there is something so intimate about placing your identity in something. Suddenly, as this thing may change, you do as well. You twist and turn with this new-found aspect of your personality and your emotions are entirely dependent on what the next move is. But, the weird thing about rooting yourself specifically in loneliness is that there aren't very many sharp turns and the path really only looks like a slope downward. Loneliness is a slow-healing wound and it hurts more than really anyone expects it to.
This post seems to be more of a ramble than anything else but here is my conclusion: a season or chapter in your life is just that: a season. See, in this chapter, I've welcomed my loneliness in like it is the star of the show and is expected to stay around until the final word--when really, it's just a chapter. In the grand scheme of things, this loneliness will speak to the testimony of the Lord's faithfulness in my life, not to His absence (given that He never truly is absent). My story isn't about me and my emotions. My story is a collection of emotions that add to the greater narrative of the Lord's everlasting companionship, faithfulness, and love.
So, this is my prayer for you: that you will see what the Lord is doing in this chapter of your life and how it can attest to His goodness. My prayer is that you find peace in the chapter but definitely not complacency.
This post is being written out of spite for the papers I have due in the morning that have not even been started yet. Please, enjoy my procrastination as I pour out my "heavy thoughts" to you.
Entonces, let us begin. I'd like to start by giving you a small glimpse into my odd mind. I believe that in Heaven, there is a book titled with my name and in that book, there is everything I've ever experienced written down and divided into chapters. I'd imagine that each chapter has a clever name with a funny pun in it--given my sense of humor--or the chapters are named with some random book reference that nobody would understand but me and the person who created my heart. I can think of the many chapters of my life but I think of the most recent one that came to a close. It should be titled "the Great Perhaps." This is the chapter of my summer. The chapter that I spent exploring the North American Continent, exploring who I was, and exploring my creator.
While I was in the midst of the "Great Perhaps" part of my story, I was warned about what this next chapter would be. I had someone sit me down in Costa Rica and tell me that I was about to enter a period of waiting. I remember talking to a friend of mine on the trip and telling her that a period of "waiting" was just about the last place I was wanting to enter. I brushed the comment off--given that I was living my favorite chapter--and hoped that it wasn't true. Waiting and patience is the hardest place to be in especially if you just closed an exciting chapter like that of my summer.
However, this person was correct. I am currently deep into the next chapter of my life and it has been a period of hardcore patience. But it feels like it reaches deeper than that. This period has been a period of loneliness. I've tried confiding in friends about this and they brush it off and tell me I either need more friends or more things to do, neither of which seem to settle right. See, this loneliness is not like something I've really faced before. This loneliness is weird because I've sort of made friends with it. Stick with me here. In the past, loneliness hasn't ever really been invited...it sort of just creeps up and scares you. But this loneliness, I seem to have invited into my life. I've offered it a space in my house and told it that it could never overstay it's welcome. I've made it a permanent roommate rather than a fly on the wall. I've made this loneliness a part of me.
See, there is something so intimate about placing your identity in something. Suddenly, as this thing may change, you do as well. You twist and turn with this new-found aspect of your personality and your emotions are entirely dependent on what the next move is. But, the weird thing about rooting yourself specifically in loneliness is that there aren't very many sharp turns and the path really only looks like a slope downward. Loneliness is a slow-healing wound and it hurts more than really anyone expects it to.
This post seems to be more of a ramble than anything else but here is my conclusion: a season or chapter in your life is just that: a season. See, in this chapter, I've welcomed my loneliness in like it is the star of the show and is expected to stay around until the final word--when really, it's just a chapter. In the grand scheme of things, this loneliness will speak to the testimony of the Lord's faithfulness in my life, not to His absence (given that He never truly is absent). My story isn't about me and my emotions. My story is a collection of emotions that add to the greater narrative of the Lord's everlasting companionship, faithfulness, and love.
So, this is my prayer for you: that you will see what the Lord is doing in this chapter of your life and how it can attest to His goodness. My prayer is that you find peace in the chapter but definitely not complacency.
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